5

When I woke up again, it was already sunset. The cold floor made me shiver all over. The house was empty and there was no trace of fireworks. In the dream, I seemed to have spent my absurd and tragic life. At this moment, Jessica Johnson should be enjoying a warm dinner with her mother and uncle Johnson , and I also made up for her missed birthday cake.

I patted the dust off my body and walked to the dining table. Doraemon 's birthday cake lay there quietly, smiling happily, but the animal cream had melted a little, sliding down from its eyes like tears. I sat down and ate the cake in big mouthfuls. Unconsciously, tears also slid down my eyes and dripped on the dining table, splashing water. I don't want it anymore, I don't want it anymore.

In order to avoid repeating the tragedy in the book, I gradually began to alienate my mother and no longer expressed anger at anything about Jessica Johnson . After entering junior high school, I applied for boarding school and gradually drifted away from my mother. Neighbors all know that my family has a Jessica Johnson , who is the favorite of my parents, but no one knows Sophia . In their eyes, we are a happy family of three, and I am just an outsider who occasionally comes back on Saturdays and Sundays.

In the novel, because Jessica Johnson took away all my attention, my attention was mostly on her, and I had no extra time to study. When I was a child, I could get the first place in the class, but in the end I only went to junior college. This time, I learned a truth: everyone will betray me, but knowledge will not. So, I studied day and night, made friends with like-minded people, and miraculously gained two or three good friends. In their eyes, I am not a foil, not a vicious female supporting role, I am Sophia , a Sophia who does not need to be compared with Jessica Johnson .

In my second year of high school, I met the hero of the novel, Ethan Garcia , who I once thought was my "boyfriend" . He fell in a dark alley just like the novel described. Ethan Garcia 's biological father is the head of the Garcia's family , but he is an illegitimate child. After his identity was exposed, he was beaten to death by Mrs. Garcia 's biological son and his brother. I happened to pass by, saved him, sent him to the hospital, paid for his medical expenses, and took care of him until he recovered. Later, Mrs. Garcia's biological son died in a car accident, and he was officially recognized and returned to his family. I also accompanied him step by step to Mr. Zhou, so that he could gain Mr. Zhou's recognition and get the entire Garcia's family. I lived with him in the basement, experienced the days when the one-dollar bus was too expensive, and experienced the life of eating instant noodles every day. But when Jessica Johnson appeared, I became his sister. He said: "I can never forget Jessica Johnson's smile, she is so clean and pure." What about me? What about me? Do I deserve the suffering and pain I have endured with him? Is it self-degradation and self-depreciation? I was unwilling to accept this. I did many things that I despised to frame Jessica Johnson , but was finally banned by Ethan Garcia . I couldn't find a job, and was forced by Ethan Garcia, who I had saved and cared for, to work as a dishwasher for 2,000 yuan a month.

I looked at the Ethan Garcia in front of me before all this happened . Blood oozed from his forehead. He looked like he was beaten badly. He was still mumbling something I couldn't understand. I laughed and kicked him hard. "Don't love me? Then die here." When I went home the next Sunday, I saw Ethan Garcia lying in my room. The neat items were turned into a mess, and there were spots of blood on the sheets. I asked, "Who is he?" My mother came over and said, "He was picked up by your sister. He was seriously injured when he first came here and was covered in blood." As expected, the male protagonist of the novel will never die. "Why is he in my room?" Mom hesitated for a moment and then said firmly: "What's wrong with you not coming back to help others recover? Don't you have any kindness now? Can you learn from your sister? Be more sensible. You have a cold face every day, as if someone owes you money. How come you become like this now?" I suddenly remembered the reaction of my mother after I sent Ethan Garcia to the hospital in the novel. She pointed at me and scolded me for picking up people casually and abandoning me penniless in the hospital. I can only go out to do part-time jobs to pay for my tuition and medical expenses. It turns out that I did nothing wrong, but my mother doesn't love me. I smiled and asked: "Then where should I sleep?" "On the sofa. You can't sleep anywhere, and the family can't treat you badly. Don't blame me. You don't come back several times a week and you are not close to me. I just use your room temporarily for someone to recover. It will still be your room in the future." I looked at my mother who took it for granted and turned and walked out of the house: "Whatever you want."

Since Ethan Garcia recovered at my house , I have never returned to that so-called home. I lived in the dormitory with a large scholarship from the school until the end of the college entrance examination. Jessica Johnson was sick during the college entrance examination . Others were picked up by their parents and stood outside the examination room with flowers in their hands. But I was the only one. But it didn't matter because I performed exceptionally well and got a very good score. Although I couldn't get into Tsinghua or Peking University, it was still easy to get into a 985 university. My mother looked at my transcript and didn't show any joy. Instead, she said to me, "You should go to the normal school near your home. Your uncle Johnson has already inquired about it. You can find a stable job as a teacher after graduation and it will be easy to find a job." The normal school near my home is a second-tier university. I was stunned for a moment. I thought my mother was partial to me, but I didn't expect that she was partial to this extent. I couldn't help but think of the plot in the book. After Jessica Johnson finished the college entrance examination, her mother took out a large sum of money for her to travel abroad and found several teachers for her to apply for the exam. She used all means and spent all the money to send Jessica Johnson, who had just passed the first-tier line , to the gate of a key university. The tuition fee of that school alone was twice as high as that of the normal school. Now? What about me? Why should I, who can pass the 985 entrance examination , go to a second-tier university near my home?

" Why?" I asked, with a hoarseness that was hard to ignore and a sour taste in my nose. I stubbornly wanted to find an answer, to know why this person who was supposed to protect me became the knife that stabbed me.

uncle Johnson and I don't have much savings. You can go to this normal university, the tuition is low and you can find a job. You won't have to worry about food, clothing, and marriage in the future, and it's close to home. How great." Mom replied.

I shook my head: "No, this shouldn't be the truth." I looked around, trying to find the reason why my mother did this, and finally my sight was fixed on Jessica Johnson 's room. I smiled and pointed at Jessica Johnson 's door and said: "It should be the plot. The vicious female supporting role can't be better than the heroine, right? The heroine has to be sweet and cute so you don't love me, and the heroine has to show that she is excellent so I can't go to the school I should go to, right!"

In an instant, I felt that time had frozen, the clock stopped spinning, and even the air solidified in front of me. But it was only for a moment, because the next moment my mother rushed in front of me and slapped me in the face: "How can you feel that way? You are jealous by nature. Jessica Johnson is more obedient and sensible than you. Shouldn't I love her more?"

I covered my numb face and looked at my mother: "Am I not sensible? When you were young, you were busy with work, and I was the one who cleaned the house. Am I not sensible? You had to accompany Jessica Johnson to see a doctor, and I was alone at home for the New Year, and went to school by myself. Am I not sensible? The new clothes for the New Year are always left over for Jessica Johnson. Am I not sensible? I got high scores and wanted your praise, but you went to comfort Jessica Johnson who got low scores . Am I not sensible? In order to attend her parent-teacher meeting, you left me alone at home with a fever and almost fainted. Am I not sensible? You even gave up my room for a stranger, and I didn't say anything. What on earth am I not sensible about?"

I was shaking all over, and tears were sliding down my cheeks unconsciously: "Am I ignorant, or has your heart already gone to the Atlantic Ocean!" I ran back to the room and stuffed my few belongings into the box. When I reached the door of my house, I stopped and looked at my mother who was still sitting on the sofa in a daze. I haven't observed her so carefully for a long time. Now I found that she has white hair on her temples and wrinkles at the corners of her eyes. But mom, is there one of your white hair and wrinkles because of me?

I hesitated for a long time, and then said, "Actually, there is something I want to ask you for a long time." "You are my mother, why do you protect her so much." I looked at the person on the sofa and slowly looked at me, my eyes were red. She stood up, as if she wanted to hold me and say something to me. But I didn't give her a chance, turned around and walked out of the house, just like walking out of the past that trapped me and was not cared about.

The day I received the admission letter, I also left the city. I barely paid the tuition with the scholarship and quickly plunged into the busy life of studying and working. College life was fleeting, and those unforgettable things in my memory seemed like a dream, disappearing unconsciously in the traces of life.

It was very hard when I just graduated. I had to live in a youth hostel because I didn't have enough savings. But I didn't ask anyone for help. I relied on myself and walked out step by step. For five years, I didn't appear in my mother's life. I was like an unimportant passerby. There was no need to appear as long as the plot didn't need me.

In my fourth year of work, I took out a loan to buy a house. In that winter, I reached my death point in the novel. The snow outside was thick enough to submerge my knees, and a trace of cool air seeped into the warm room through the window. After all, the ending was different. In the spring of the following year, I received the news that Jessica Johnson and Ethan Garcia were getting married. Without the interference of a vicious female supporting role like me, their relationship progressed rapidly. At the same time, I realized that the plot was about to end.

I received a call from Jessica Johnson one afternoon . Her voice was choked with sobs. I heard her say, "Mom is dying." "This is different from the original plot." My mind went blank, leaving only this sentence.

I rushed back when the sun just rose, but my mother left before me. The place without even my mother can no longer be called home. The room was surrounded by a group of people in black clothes. I had never seen so many people. Jessica Johnson hid in Ethan Garcia 's arms and cried until she almost fainted. I appeared at this time, like throwing a stone into a calm lake, and the crowd immediately boiled.

Uncle Johnson waved to me from a distance: " Sophia , come here." I walked over numbly and was taken to the crematorium. Mom's body was placed in a black coffin and stayed there quietly. It was not until this moment that I really realized that my mother had passed away. I really hadn't seen her for too long, and when I saw her again, I was a little strange. There was even a moment of trance that I felt that this was not her. But she was too much like my mother in my memory. If you can ignore her stiff body and rotting cheeks, she was as quiet as if she was asleep.

In the novel, she watched Jessica Johnson get married and lived happily with Uncle Johnson for the rest of her life. Why did she die this time? Was it because of the change of me? I watched my mother being pushed into the crematorium, watching her, a living person, turn into a pile of ashes and then be placed in a wooden box. I suddenly became very curious about what she wanted to say to me when she mumbled the year I left home. But I don't have another chance, I will never know the answer.

Uncle Johnson said that my mother was in great pain when she died. She would vomit even with her eyes closed, and finally she could only breathe with the help of a ventilator. Before it was so serious, she would occasionally wake up and chatter with a locked notebook and recorder. Before my mother left, she asked Uncle Johnson to burn the notebook and recorder together, but Uncle Johnson still gave them all to me. Uncle Johnson smiled and said to me: "I always feel that you should know these things."

I took the notebook and recorder, but I was not in a hurry to open it, nor was I very curious about the contents. I always felt that it was equivalent to Pandora's box for me. If I opened it, something I could not accept would happen. After dealing with my mother's funeral, I rushed back to the city where I worked. I locked the notebook and recorder in the box.

Three years later, I married a polite man and gave birth to a lovely daughter two years after marriage. When my daughter was five years old, she happened to open the box and the notebook that I had never wanted to face. She excitedly raised the notebook and said softly: "Mom, the password of this notebook is your birthday." I took the heavy notebook, and the wind blew, and the contents were displayed in front of me.

The paper was wrinkled, and the smell of disinfectant in the hospital crossed time and penetrated into my nose. This notebook was written from the year I was born. The ink was a little blurry, and many fonts could no longer be seen clearly. I saw a mother full of contradictions. I didn't know the truth until the end of the diary.

It turned out that my mother had awakened a long time ago. At the moment I was born, she foresaw my future. The main god of this world told her that the awakened people were equivalent to being kicked out of the main plot of this book by her, and she could change her ending at will. Mom asked the main god if he could change my ending? The main god said no, people can only change their own destiny. Mom exchanged her life for my awakening and the opportunity for me to change my own destiny. Her consciousness was locked in a small box, watching her body go through the plot and constantly hurting me. It was not until the end of the plot that she was truly freed, but she was about to die as soon as the plot ended.

She didn't want to disturb me, so she wrote down all her thoughts about me in the notebook. Mom hopes that even after she dies, I will not forget that she loves me. I saw that she wrote in her last days: " Sophia , Mom misses you so much. I didn't let Uncle Johnson tell you about my situation. I roughly guessed that my time is coming soon.' Sophia, what is death like in the book? Will it disappear from this world all of a sudden or will it return to the original plot point? Can I see your father? Mom is so scared.' ' Sophia , Mom is so uncomfortable. I can't breathe. I always feel like a big stone is pressing on my chest and I feel suffocated. Yesterday, your uncle Johnson said that I started vomiting blood in the middle of my sleep. How can the Lord God be so bad to find such a painful way to die for me?'" She said a lot of things to me in the back, all of which were words about wearing more clothes, eating less takeout, not working hard, and paying more attention to rest.

I turned on the recorder, and my mother's hoarse voice came out, which was the nursery rhyme that I often heard in my childhood. In an instant, I couldn't hold it back anymore, and tears kept falling without me realizing it. I have never been clear about what my feelings for my mother are. I hate her, but I love her. Because of love, I hate those behaviors.

The next morning, I went to the cemetery. The photo on the tombstone was vivid, with the word "Vivian" engraved on it. I gently wiped the water drops off the tombstone. "Mom, long time no see."

Vivian's perspective

The first time I felt Sophia 's little life was when she was playing in my belly. She playfully kicked my belly, leaving a clear footprint. I thought she would be a very naughty girl, but she was very well-behaved, lying in my arms obediently, quietly closing her eyes. It seemed that she heard my voice, and she tried to reach out to me, and finally grabbed the end of my hair. I also woke up at that moment.

It is hard for me to believe that such a lovely daughter of mine would die alone on a snowy day. It is also hard for me to believe that I would not love her. I want to save her and change her ending. She doesn't have to be so good, she can be stupid, frivolous, and brainless, but I hope she can live healthily, happily, and happily.

But the Lord God told me that people can only change their own endings. In the end, I decided to exchange my own life for Sophia's chance to change the ending. Even the Lord God cannot be sure whether Sophia will awaken and change the ending. But I want to give my daughter a chance, a chance to truly choose her own life.

The Lord God said that those who have not awakened must follow the plot. So even if her consciousness is locked in a box, I am very happy to see Sophia grow up. I gently stroked the baby in my arms and carefully touched her forehead. "My daughter, you must grow up happily."

Sophia would hide in my arms and act like a spoiled child, and would beg me to tell her stories and sing nursery rhymes. I always tried my best to satisfy her. I want her to know that her mother loves her. Even if I will be restrained after the plot begins and will do many things that make her feel sad, I want her to know and feel love, even if it is only for a short moment. I also want to give her everything in the time I can give.

I calculated the time and cherished every minute and every second, but the plot still started in my countdown. My consciousness was locked in a small box, and I had to watch me hurt Sophia step by step . Even though she was also bound by the plot. But Sophia is still a child and needs to be favored, especially in such an unfamiliar environment. Isn't everything she does a desire for her mother's love? Isn't it a desire for her mother to look at her one more time?

Sophia stayed at home alone for the New Year, I in the plot accompanied Jessica Johnson . And I in my consciousness kept missing Sophia . " Sophia , it's a new year again, happy new year."

On the day when Sophia woke up, I tried to break through this bondage again and again. I tried desperately to take back control of my body because it was Sophia 's birthday. Sophia should have a good birthday instead of being left alone at home. I suddenly felt that maybe I was wrong. Sophia might not only need a chance to live, she might need love more, and her mother's love more. If I educate Sophia, will she not envy others, will she not be jealous of others, will she also become a cheerful and helpful child? But I don't have the chance. I can only watch Sophia gradually alienate herself from me in the plot because of constant disappointment. Until we had that fierce quarrel. She asked me: "You are my mother, why are you so protective of others." At that moment, I finally broke through that bondage. I wanted to stop her, I wanted to hug this daughter whom I hadn't seen for more than ten years, I wanted to talk to her. But she was so disappointed, she turned and left, just like I had left her countless times in the plot.

I didn't know when I would be trapped in the box again, I immediately rushed to the school and begged the teacher to give my money to Sophia in the name of a scholarship . I was always worried that she was not doing well, I couldn't give her anything anymore, I just hoped that she wouldn't have such a hard time.

In the next few years, maybe because the plot was about to end and the power of the Lord God was no longer so strong, I would always take back control of my body from time to time. I would buy a plane ticket and fly to the city where Sophia was, and go to see Sophia quietly without anyone knowing . She had grown up and was taller than me. But my mother was old, and it would be troublesome for her to show up again, and I couldn't help her with anything. I would always wander around this city, imagining where Sophia would go, where she would sit, and what she would be like. I still have to be grateful, at least I still have a period of time without the torture of illness, I can experience life well, and I can see Sophia more .

The plot ended quietly, just like my illness came very suddenly. It was the morning of the fourth day when I had a rare chance to control my body, and I fainted on the floor of the living room. I realized that the plot was over. But what should I do, Sophia , Mom hasn't seen enough of you. I don't know what kind of disease I was assigned, but listening to their heated discussions, I knew that I probably didn't have much time.

I asked Lao Ji to get a notebook I had a long time ago. It was written when Sophia was born, but because of the beginning of the plot, it has been a long time since I filled it with new content. I opened the yellowed pages and relived those years I missed. I laughed as I looked at it, maybe because I am getting older and more emotional, and tears fell as I laughed. They fell on the paper, smudged the blue ink in circles. I smoothed the wrinkled paper because of my tears, wrote the first word, and also wrote down my longing for Sophia that I could never express.

Maybe the illness was too serious, and sometimes I was a little confused. In a trance, I seemed to see Sophia who had become much younger. She acted like a spoiled child by my bed and asked me to sing nursery rhymes for her. Just as I was about to sing, Sophia disappeared in front of me. I suddenly thought about whether Sophia would want to hear me sing nursery rhymes again. I took out the recorder and sang it intermittently. But my voice was hoarse and not nice. Would Sophia dislike it? There was no point in disliking it, because my mother could only sing like this.

The pain was too torturous, but that afternoon I suddenly felt much better. I knew it was a last gasp. I suddenly felt so scared, so missing, and so eager to see Sophia again . I knew that someone had told Sophia in the end, because I was lying in bed, calling Sophia many times incoherently . Reason tells me that this shouldn’t happen, but emotion doesn’t care whether it should or shouldn’t happen. It just wants to follow my heart.

That night my condition worsened. I felt all kinds of instruments pressed against my body and heard the doctors talking to each other. I knew I was dying. But Sophia, you have to be safe.